Back to doing chores like I'm supposed to.

 Back to doing chores like I'm supposed to. 

Honey, I can do it.... Honey, I can do it.. I'm so sick of hearing this. When I was deep in my depression, it's all I heard and would get angry at him for it. Is it right? NO!! However, I still keep hearing it and now, I simply say, no thank you, I got it. But what angers me... When I cook a meal and I try like heck to just cook enough for 1 plate for each of us, and there is left overs, he offers it to me. Today, I screamed at him to NEVER ask me that question EVER again. So I'm back to do things for myself, even when I'm at my worst, for I'm fighting for me!! Bring on the chores...

Today is Jan 7th of my journal.

With the theme of the first paragraph, today was an emotional day for me. Not only have I just completed my first week of this new life of mine. 

-Wake up and was served my first and only cup of coffee I got for the day. 

-Drink my first glass of water, washed down with my pills.

-I make our protein shakes for our breakfast, he goes to work

-I did my 15 minute workout (it's my last chance workout for the week)

It is when I took my sweaty clothes off, washed my face and proceeded to wash up and do my morning stare of this body I reside in. I become VERY angry at myself. I'm calling that girl in the mirror every name in the book, because she is the cause of abusing the body that was loaned to her by God. I'm feeling the mindset of wanting to get better but like everyone who's in my skin, we expect to see a reward for putting in the work (the food change, the research, the workout) and all I could see what this FAT, face bloated girl. I couldn't find the girl who's fighting, I couldn't find the girl who's worked so hard to reset. And that was a shame. 

Stages of grief: 

Denial - I'm not that big. Others are bigger. I'm sick (sick people aren't supposed to fight, they are supposed to take their medicine and life goes on - the biggest lie I told myself).

Anger - I'm not supposed to look like this. I was an athlete for crying out loud, I was a Disney dancer for years.I hiked and biked and worked in a job that was nothing but physical. I'm pissed!!

Bargaining - LOL. If I just eat this crap today, I'll skip tomorrow (oh yes another famous lie I would tell myself after I was hurt by someone, and QUARTZITE hurt me the worst). 

Depression - Medical Depression; feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness. Angry outbursts, irritability or frustrations over abilities taken away from being sick. Loss of interest in so many areas. CHRONIC FATIGUE I hate you worse than Cancer!! 

ACCEPTANCE - wooooohooooo I made to this FINALLY. And now I'm making up for lost time and repairing the damages I've done to myself. I am learning the tools to all that got me here. The bricks have been  lifted off of my shoulder and now I'm using those as my weights (ooops got ahead of myself). 

So it was a pretty rough day for me, poooooooor me - cried and now over it!! NEXT. 

Coffee

Water with pills

Breakfast: I couldn't eat, so I forced water down in case I had to vomit)

Lunch: Overnight Oats, Banana

Dinner: Scrambled Eggs/ 2 rolls with cheese in it (rolls were NOT Bobby Approved)

So glad that this day has ended, but I clearly understand there'll be more days like this in my future. I just need to first give myself a break and self love and then use those tools to work it out.

AGAIN I am NOT a doctor. This blog is about my journey, the good, the bad and the ugly. Do your research, ask those questions and make changes in small bites so that you're not overly overwhelmed.But most important, READ YOUR FOOD LABELS.