Back to doing chores like I'm supposed to.

 Back to doing chores like I'm supposed to. 

Honey, I can do it.... Honey, I can do it.. I'm so sick of hearing this. When I was deep in my depression, it's all I heard and would get angry at him for it. Is it right? NO!! However, I still keep hearing it and now, I simply say, no thank you, I got it. But what angers me... When I cook a meal and I try like heck to just cook enough for 1 plate for each of us, and there is left overs, he offers it to me. Today, I screamed at him to NEVER ask me that question EVER again. So I'm back to do things for myself, even when I'm at my worst, for I'm fighting for me!! Bring on the chores...

Today is Jan 7th of my journal.

With the theme of the first paragraph, today was an emotional day for me. Not only have I just completed my first week of this new life of mine. 

-Wake up and was served my first and only cup of coffee I got for the day. 

-Drink my first glass of water, washed down with my pills.

-I make our protein shakes for our breakfast, he goes to work

-I did my 15 minute workout (it's my last chance workout for the week)

It is when I took my sweaty clothes off, washed my face and proceeded to wash up and do my morning stare of this body I reside in. I become VERY angry at myself. I'm calling that girl in the mirror every name in the book, because she is the cause of abusing the body that was loaned to her by God. I'm feeling the mindset of wanting to get better but like everyone who's in my skin, we expect to see a reward for putting in the work (the food change, the research, the workout) and all I could see what this FAT, face bloated girl. I couldn't find the girl who's fighting, I couldn't find the girl who's worked so hard to reset. And that was a shame. 

Stages of grief: 

Denial - I'm not that big. Others are bigger. I'm sick (sick people aren't supposed to fight, they are supposed to take their medicine and life goes on - the biggest lie I told myself).

Anger - I'm not supposed to look like this. I was an athlete for crying out loud, I was a Disney dancer for years.I hiked and biked and worked in a job that was nothing but physical. I'm pissed!!

Bargaining - LOL. If I just eat this crap today, I'll skip tomorrow (oh yes another famous lie I would tell myself after I was hurt by someone, and QUARTZITE hurt me the worst). 

Depression - Medical Depression; feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness. Angry outbursts, irritability or frustrations over abilities taken away from being sick. Loss of interest in so many areas. CHRONIC FATIGUE I hate you worse than Cancer!! 

ACCEPTANCE - wooooohooooo I made to this FINALLY. And now I'm making up for lost time and repairing the damages I've done to myself. I am learning the tools to all that got me here. The bricks have been  lifted off of my shoulder and now I'm using those as my weights (ooops got ahead of myself). 

So it was a pretty rough day for me, poooooooor me - cried and now over it!! NEXT. 

Coffee

Water with pills

Breakfast: I couldn't eat, so I forced water down in case I had to vomit)

Lunch: Overnight Oats, Banana

Dinner: Scrambled Eggs/ 2 rolls with cheese in it (rolls were NOT Bobby Approved)

So glad that this day has ended, but I clearly understand there'll be more days like this in my future. I just need to first give myself a break and self love and then use those tools to work it out.

AGAIN I am NOT a doctor. This blog is about my journey, the good, the bad and the ugly. Do your research, ask those questions and make changes in small bites so that you're not overly overwhelmed.But most important, READ YOUR FOOD LABELS. 

Happy New Year, After New Year

 Happy New Year, After New Year...

This is what I wrote in my food journal:

So it's New Years Day (although I am two weeks ahead of this blog to give me time to reflect). Here we go "Old Fattie" ------> I'm allowed to call myself that. It's tough love directed to me. I'm excited and I am beyond scared. I just measured my belly and I have quickly with the utmost REALITY learned that I have to lose 10 inches off my tummy. That 10 inches equals about 40 lbs (WTF? What the Food??). 

** We do not own a scale and won't - the stress of getting into better shape is hard and I want my mindset to be a calm as possible**

How do I view myself?

1. Low Energy
2. No Motivation
3. I avoid mirrors at all cost
4. I feel like I have the flu all the time (get off that already, that's CANCER)
5. I allowed food to be used to punish myself. My emotional support (from my winter stay in Quartzsite what a certain someone did to our family affected me emotionally, I had lost my voice).
6. I give up easily when I am not getting the support I feel I need - but then I wasn't using my voice out of fear of nagging or whining.

Baby steps, you have got to learn to slow down the process and #BuildUp. And for goodness sake reward yourself for every goal you accomplish. And its ok to invest in yourself and still give back

1. Cut down on food portions 
2. Workout Schedule
3. Better Pain Management
4. Mindset Reset
5. Build Bridges
6. Get EXCITED for ME

Here we go WORLD.....

I am 5'5 age 50 and my Belly is 40 inches (I should be in the range of 30-33)

That's it and it is enough to want to get into a fetal position. I did 2 fasting shakes that are going to make me poop my brains out. Sorry again this blog is for me, and I'm not going to hide anything. It's real and it's what I have to do to save myself!! I did drink my required water intake of 75-121 oz

I used Detoxifiber it's Bobby Approved 

This Blog is about ME. It's about my food journey. It may be right or wrong and this is what I have to figure out. I am NOT a DOCTOR. I am a Bobby Approve - flacity supporter, I don't want to eat chemical poison. If you follow anything from this blog, you are doing it by your choice. Again I am not a doctor!!

My First Food Nightmare

 My First Food Nightmare

I have my teacher, I have my cooking tools, and I have a shopping list. I just gotta get through the night before that first Bobby Approved shopping trip.I know it's going to be expensive and we have to think about the current food we have in our home that's not Bobby Approved. What do we do.....?? I don't sleep!!

I finally plan on this: 

We have an RV pantry for our guests at the RV park we currently work at Willard Peak Campground in Willard Utah. And as I swap the bad for the good, I'll donate the bad (and to this day, it's working out well). But still it's scary for Mark. After all we worked hard for the food. I made a deal with him. I will do the swapping slowly giving us 6 months to make our home completely Bobby Approved. 

So we go shopping at Natural Grocers with a Budget of $300. Load up first on the protein powders (I made the huge mistake of not buying directly through flavcity but baby steps right? Get the basic shelf life items to hold us over when we are not able to eat FRESH. And very little meat, that had been our biggest change. If you watch the movie Food Inc this will open your eyes even wider if your trying to get healthier and at worse case, know what the hell is in your food. That is our given right!! 

I even went for anything on sale so long as it was approved, (which made our shopping trip super super long - 2.3 hours). You'd think it would be easy, but even a health food store has many hidden dangers. We are learning. So when the app gives it a thumbs down, you scroll down and it will highlight the words that are NOT approved which teaches you to recognize and soon you'll be able to recognize without having to use the app - here are some samples of BAD words for your food

1. Natural Flavor (Artificial and Synthetic chemicals that are added during the manufacturing process - which of course IS NOT GOOD FOR our bodies, its a way for manufacturers to get away with adding with out honest labeling)
2. sucralose, saccharin and aspartame, high fructose (I am shocked on the amount of food that contains this), agave and brown rice syrup  - these all cause inflammation 

This is just a smidge of examples of things we have to avoid having in our food. It can get very overwhelming and this is why we chose to do this very slowly. It's not January 1st so even though you're reading this on the 16th I'm catching you up to our journey. Our food shopping took place on 12/30/22. So we are gathering and studying and getting ready to make the change. 

We use a receipt app to earn points for gift cards (oh gosh we love this app) and if you wish to join to earn your own points. If you sign up under me, I'll get 4000 points and you'll get 2000 starting points. Just click on the word FETCH this helps offset the food increase cost for us. 

So I'm going to switch gears and talk about food journals. I purchase one for each of us. So that we can track and see the accountability we are taking. We can figure out what's working vs what's not working. Putting our thoughts, fears, frustration - I already do a journal for our finances and wow it works. There is just something powerful seeing your own words right there and you can't hide from them. I'm recording inches (not weight numbers because we don't need to worry about that). Our physical activity, what we eat and what we drink, our vitamins and most importantly our feelings. 

Click here for your start to record your own food journal

I put together an extremely SLOW workout program for myself. I found when I go in hard, I give us easy because of the huge amounts of pain and recovery time. This will be a major change and that first hurdle will be so difficult because I do have limitations and have to find a way around it with boundaries.  I'll talk about what I plan on doing for my routine in the next blog entry.

AGAIN... This Blog is about ME (and my other half). It's about the food journey I'm taking. I am not a doctor and these things I am doing are based on my decisions. I've lost control over my health and this is a way to get it back. If you use anything in these posts, do it with care and under your own control. People can be mean, and you need to do what is right for you. If you're here to shame me, it's ok, I do that enough to myself every time I look in the mirror. And that is why, I am celebrating my 50th year, fighting for me