Guilt and Anger From a FAT FALL

 

What the #%@!....? Mark had just gone to work, and I'm not feeling good AGAIN. I get up to go find some comfort food to stuff my 190 lbs self. And down I go. I passed out on the floor of our 29ft travel trailer that we live in full time. I awake and am a bit confused as to what just happened.  Do I call 911 first or do I call Mark first. I did neither. 

And that's the start of my humiliation of what my life has has measured up to be, A BIG FAT FAILURE!! 

So I'm confessing to this BLOG and to whoever gives a shit to follow along.  At this point I don't give a rats ass. I see it as my last ditch effort to heal/change/celebrate/forgive and all that emotional crap that goes into what I've had to deal with. And what I learned so far is that. THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL but there is MAGIC, you just have to create it for YOURSELF.

I'm not going to go too far into who I am, because honestly WHO CARES. I will give snippets though so that you can visualize/insult me from your view/cheer for me/or entertain yourself with someone else's life hardship and poor choices. I just want to get it out there so that I can reflect any time I want by returning to my very own words that reflected those feeling at "that moment" and for goshhhhhhhhhh friggin sakes, learning from me for a change. Everyone's SOAP BOX is sickening. Everyone has to say something about someone and vice versa. I'll be talking to myself for a change. As my favorite broadway show has taught me. TALK LESS and SMILE MORE. Because what people are saying is the same thing they've always been saying - they just changed it to stand out more. And I just don't want to stand out to anyone anymore. But people just don't SMILE anymore and for me personally I know why I stopped and that just aint ME!! 

I can't remember the exact date of my passing out (clearly blocked that crap out). But it wasn't long before my 50th Birthday. And I still haven't told Mark or anyone except to whoever is reading this post. But I was so mad at myself and punished myself as I like to do. Because if I do it and do it quickly nothing or anyone can say or do, will make it worse. And there you have it. My MAIN issue to all of my life's failings. In Bold, so that I can find it easily if and when I happen to fall back into that space. And so I'm faced with being scared knowing I've tried everything the way other people said I have to do, in the last 15 years to get healthy and I would always give up. And I had to start thinking about WHY's to everything, and make up the WHERE to go next. 

Do I blame Mark because there are bags of snacks everywhere? Do I blame Cancer for making me weak? Do I blame DNA? The new hormone changes going on with me? I mean there has got to be blame right? Well yes there is, and it's ME. I can deal with all these issues, I just need to learn the tools of having these issues in my life (because let's be honest, those are always going to be a part of who I am) to control it and not let it control me or my mindset. WAIT? WHAT? Can it truly be that easy?

Yes and No is my answer. First I need to dive in deep with each issue, figure out a game plan and FOLLOW through. So the battle zones are being set up. 

I'm not going to be talking about weight in NUMBERS - just in inches. I'll say the number once, and just in this post and then never again will you hear me say how much I weigh, because it's not about the numbers, it is about the inches.

Click here to get ahead of your health

Age 50 (October Birthday)

Weight: 192 

Height: 5'5

Belly in inches: 43.5

Leg in inches around: 23 

Arms ----- actually other than bat wings they are the smallest feature on me 

I'm considered OBESE and I would agree with that because of how the weight makes me feel. AGAIN this post/blog is about me. So if you feel like I'm making fun of talking ill about others, then PISS off, this about my journey.

My GOALS: 

Weight ------- Who cares that needs to be NOT part of my life. Cutting that drama shit out of my life, I've got enough to deal with than having to jump on a scale all the time, when I should be JUMPING instead.

Belly in inches: 30-33" (the vain girl in me says 30 but the healthy part says 33). 

They say one inch is 4 lbs so to guess that would mean 40-54 lbs I have to delete from my body.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

I've got to cut out, because this is so depressing. I gotta sit back and think about all of this and get back to you about how that makes me feel. Wait, let me rephrase that. I'm doing this for me and I gotta work out some thoughts in my own head before confessing my next sin.

Here are some starting points so that I can see how I progressed each month. The problem with changes is that we hide from it and when we reach that goal we have nothing to compare it to because we were too ashamed to blurt it out there. 

July 2022 -
Thinking the Train would hide me

August:
I did work a lot, but I also ate a lot too, That waistline is DANGEROUS 
to my health more than it is to be vain about this situation. 

September: 
My face blew up, and in just a short couple of weeks I'll have
passed out in my rv home, that started this process of my 
GUILT and ANGER from a FAT FALL - caused by me and me alone.

Thank you for being introduced to my sins that I have caused for myself. As you follow along, you'll see where it takes me to and how I'm doing. January 1st was a major target day for me and I'm already 13 days into this new journey but you're seeing it from January 1st eyes. This was not easy for me to do, but is it for anyone? NO, we don't enjoy slamming ourselves down. And this boo hoo session allowed me to air some of this out, not for your sake but for my own. I'm going to be my own cheerleader for a change. 

Good job, 50 year old me, for not giving up on yourself. Accept this and make the changes you need to do for yourself. No one's opinion matters because it is I who's putting in the work, the learning, the action, the money, the time, the tears and the sweat to do what I've got to do to LIVE!! 

STAY TUNE "SELF"