Ok, I acknowledge that I am FAT, now what

OK, I acknowledge that I am FAT, now what?

Here is where I left off, from my last post....... 

My GOALS: 

Weight ------- Who cares that needs to be NOT part of my life. Cutting that drama shit out of my life, I've got enough to deal with than having to jump on a scale all the time, when I should be JUMPING instead.

Belly in inches: 30-33" (the vain girl in me says 30 but the healthy part says 33). 

They say one inch is 4 lbs so to guess that would mean 40-54 lbs I have to delete from my body.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

I've got to cut out, because this is so depressing. I gotta sit back and think about all of this and get back to you about how that makes me feel. Wait, let me rephrase that. I'm doing this for me and I gotta work out some thoughts in my own head before confessing my next sin.

Here are some starting points so that I can see how I progressed each month. The problem with changes is that we hide from it and when we reach that goal we have nothing to compare it to because we were too ashamed to blurt it out there.

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So we know what my goals are, but what next? I completely tortured myself by researching the wrong things. Like.... How to lose weight FAST? Pills? Gyms? every kind of weight loss device. Oh hell, my amazon cart was filled with gadgets to start an entire new gym, all I would need was a building and I'd be set.

What I needed was a strong dose of truth. I needed to figure out and acknowledge what got me into this unrecognizable body, I currently sit in. I had to go back and find what in my life has given me the most control, the most gratifying feeling and has never let me down..... A Gosh dam PENCIL!!

Click to find some supplies to start your own food journey 

What? A pencil???? For real YES! Holding a pencil has always been a comfort thing for me, I've always put down a list together, a note to someone, a journal, my dreams, my finances. When I'm angry, I'd write a note and tear it up so no one knew how I was feeling. And the most important thing. My grocery list..... That dam pencil needed a good sharpening and needed to write down new words, new thoughts and above all new mindset to live and learn by. So it begins. 

BUT again, where to begin. So I took an entire week and ate a ton of crap foods and wrote a secret note about how it made me feel, and compared it to the ingredients that were in it. And then I ate a whole week of good food and again took notes about how it made me feel and again compared it to the ingredients.  I tapped my head with my pencil as week number 3 approached. And wrote down

I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FOOD....

I ate what was expected of me when I was sick

I ate what was making me fake happy (by fake, I was sick and got to stay in bed all day)

I ate what was on sale or fast to make 

I ate what he liked

Ding Ding..... I had to learn about food, and I mean truly about food. I had to know what it was made of, who made it, what are the cause and effects from eating that food and why the hell was I allowing it into my body. 

Of course, I went to the internet (and it's just after October and creeping up quickly to my 50th Birthday and I'm putting together a game plan to be enforced starting Jan 1st, I had a lot of time to watch videos, look words up, see how these foods were made, window shop prices and acknowledge that I am going to have to work for my food). LOL up until New Year's Night I ate CRAP! And then rolls around Jan 1st. 

BACKGROUND SNIPPET:

I was only 2.2 lb when I was born (my brother 2.4 yes I am a twin) so needless to say, I know what it's like to be tiny. And pretty much was tiny until I turned 30. I had been 110-115, a super athlete my entire school years, adventurous throughout my young adult life and then I hit 30. I became very depressed, not to the point that I got FAT but enough to start the inner motion of unhealthy living. This continue until my 40's and I FUCKING (sorry, that's the anger part of me) got CANCER and I currently still do. So I did what the docs told me, ate what they told me and prayed and prayed. But what I didn't do, is invest in the WHY's. I was just about the end results. I failed to do that for myself and that now brings us to the current mindset of my failings.

I watched every famous friggin cook out there. Rachael Ray, The Pioneer Woman, even Gordon Ramsay and a ton of international cooks too like Peter Evans and Curtis Stone. All these people taught me the joy but I'm still missing that major thing that is going to change my life the why and what is food made of. 

A FLIPPING 2 year old in a video will be the changing force in my life - Rose. Gosh what a sap. I'm teary eye remembering the very moment I watch this child make her breakfast. I became so ashamed of myself.

So I took about a month of watching this adorable little girl make her meals, talk about food and most of all respect and love food. And this is when FLAVCITY starts to get introduced to my mindset and eventually overtakes my life. 

I'm going to end the post here, because I'm pretty emotional now. Remembering all those feelings I felt that I bottled up and placed in my mindset and in my heart. I'm about to get a food lesson about food by no other Bobby Parrish. Secretly I watch this in the middle of the night at first. On car rides, at work when I finally let loose and ask Mark what he thinks. CRASHHHHHHHHH!! oh, she's cute. (and I'm screaming inside to be heard but that isn't the problem - I've allowed my intimidation and past failings shut me off from taking the front stage to say, I'm doing this). 

Thank you for following MY FOOD JOURNEY to a better life. I had passed out just before my 50th birthday from unhealthy living and taking the steps I need to do for me has been a scary journey. This blog is about me. It's not to critzite or belittle anyone but me. It's about me being FAT. And yes, I'm going to body shame myself for a safer spot in my life. I chug that bad food down without the true education of what I was chugging down. You are reading how I am getting MYSELF back up. This blog is about my feelings and how I went from plan A to Z and all that it took or is taking. AND that Pencil will come up in the next post!!