My Ugly Face

 My Ugly Face

Jan 5th,

I have NEVER been a pretty girl. The girls before me were always prettier in all of my relationships. That's always been my history. I've always been ok with that. Because I had an advantage over most of the girls before me, I was different. I loved sports, I was sports and I could talk about sports. I've never been comfortable around women because it has always been a PISSING CONTEST. Up until our departure of Quartzsite, I've always allowed it. The most humiliated breaking point was someone in their home actually threw something in my face and in the same breath said she had first dibs at my husband. I was shocked and Mark was GROSSED out. I did what I've always done. Pretended it didn't happen or it wasn't said. All summer long it ATE at me and I had asked God to forgive me, because I wanted to find her and PUNCH the crap out of her, I asked God to help not feel that way. You can’t judge someone and love them at the same time. I was judging and that was wrong. I have to love her! If her morals are to have dibs with another woman's husband then it's her deal and not mine, I can only pray that another wife can handle the situation a lot better than I could. I am to remove myself from the situation and confess my ill feelings to my husband and together as a CHRISTIAN couple we will move on and move on, we did, they went to him all the time to talk behind my back, like as if doing they he would suddenly leave me - I'm not sure what their motivations to that was. Well, I am here to be me. And through this journey my HUSBAND will be by my side. So what the heck does this have to do with my weight journey? I ate my feelings and shut myself from others and hid. On one end, I was afraid of my temper and the other being further hurt. Easily I gained I'm gonna guess, 20 pounds (at least 5 inches). 

Going through the change MENOPAUSE, it was affecting my skin so bad. I did nothing for "self care" of my skin. And so I thought I would tackle this at the same time as my weight journey. I always use a filter on my pictures and I avoid taking or having pictures taken of me and always make Mark the star. He's so photogenic. This picture isn't bad and I'm guessing that I used a filter.  The 2nd picture is completely me depressed. Medical depression is the worst and add in all of that other fun. (just a reminder I am 2 weeks ahead of these posts and doing these posts for the world to see, it is scary and yet freeing and holds me to a major accountability. I'm not going to be easy on myself. 

I went ahead and purchased tretinoin, 

• CeraVe Hydrating Facial Cleanser,
• CeraVe AM Facial Moisturizing Lotion SPF 30 
• CeraVe Retinol Serum for Post-Acne Marks and Skin Texture
• CeraVe Foaming Facial Cleanser 
• CeraVe Skin Renewing Night Cream
• Retinol Gel 0.1 Vitamin A Repairs Fine Lines & Wrinkles

We shall see if this helps.... 

Now onto my food journey jornal:

Water - AM Pills

Coffee

Breakfast - Protein Shake

Lunch - None

Dinner - Pasta with Olive Oil, Parm Cheese, Cilantro, Zucchini

Snack - Fruit Pack (dehydrated fruit), Piece of Cheese/Hard Boiled Egg/Piece of Chocolate 85% cocoa

Water

Vinegar Water - PM Pills

I'm introduced to a new Tea Butterfly Pea Flower Tea and just to name some of the benefits

• antioxidant and anti inflammatory
• brain boost
• improves eyesight
• reproductive health
• stabilize blood sugar levels
• beautiful skin

Did 15 minute dance exercise. We had a huge meeting with our boss and came down with an extreme headache but fought through the day until 3:30 pm and had to lay down (I was also physically sore from the day before workout)

After dinner, oh dear lord the terrible GAS (FART) pains came and thank GOSHHHHHHH I pooped my brains out and was able to get some sleep. Pooped 3 times in the middle of the night. And the type that had you running. 

I don't feel any different but it's only been day #5. I'm not getting worse so it's just something I have to suck up and work through. It's going to be a long 3 months. My face took a turn for the worse but that's normal. I'm getting rid of junk inside and outside. That's going to take a good 3 months before changes are visible. Feeling ashamed/frustrated and drained.  

Face Wash/Face Cream 

  

Again, this is just a reminder that this blog is about me. It's MY journey. I am NOT a doctor and if you use any of the products/recipes/drinks/pills you are doing them by your choice.