Today was such an off day. Today's YouTube music honestly sucked. I try to pick a group of music under one link because I just can't stop and look up music all the time. And I like fast paced music to get through my workouts. I definitely need to invest in a music device that I can download my own songs of choice.
When I don't feel like I got a fair workout, I'll add time to the microwave times to put in that time. I seriously don't want to cheat myself from that time. With it being winter I'm doing all my workouts inside my small tiny RV with 3 cats watching me the entire time. It's at times funny, but it's about getting the job done so that I can have a successful day.
Today I felt out of sync too because of my mindset on exercise so I needed to work on my mindset to reset:
Try Something New. Then Try Again.
Changing up my workouts needs to be fun and always changing. So I'm doing some new dance moves and have been watching free videos when I can to get ideas; IT HELP.
I'm going to be hiding in this sweatshirt until April 1 (because then it will be my 3 month mark). I have 3 of these sweatshirts too. Willard Peak Campground (lol by April I'm going to hate the color blue)
Jan 9th
Breakfast: Protein Shake
Lunch: 1 Hard Boiled Egg -----I'm trying to shrink my tum for the first month hence the little lunches
Dinner: Bowl of Potatoes, black bean, cheese soup (white potatoes and sweet potatoes and it was so good) and 1 porkchop
Workout: 15 minutes of Dance
I had purchased some new foundation back in December and today, I felt like I could put it on. It's age appropriate and I love it so far. You can't even feel it.
LAURA GELLER NEW YORK Baked Balance-N-Glow Illuminating Foundation,
AM Pills
PM Pills
Water
Water
Water
Blue Tea
That ends Jan 9th. Not a terrible day but honestly not a great one either.
AGAIN I am NOT a doctor and this journal is for me. It's my food journal and my weight journey. If you use any tips, recipes or anything from these articles you do it at your own free will.
Store Bought Ketchup: Has ingredients that are just so bad for you on so many levels. I'm a type 1 diabetic so ketchup has always been a major no no..
High Fructose:
increases appetite (which food manufacturers want because it's profit over health for a majority of ketchup makers)
promotes obesity
inflammation HIGH triglycerides
spikes sugar levels
natural flavors - which are really flavor-boosting chemicals (MSG - which is man made chemicals that cause additicians - AGAIN Profits over Health)
See in the ingredients High Fructose Corn Syrup and lets add more with the Corn Syrup and to be sure to keep you coming back for more lets add in Natural Flavoring.
So calorie wise it isn't bad, but that's not the problem. You can burn calories, you can't burn chemicals. So if you look at the sugar.
Total Sugars 4 grams (which is a lot for a spoonful of ketchup. That's 1 spoonful of sugar in a serving of ketchup BUT now there is the added sugar of 7%, that's almost a double amount of sugar, now think about how much ketchup we put on a hot dog. It definitely isn't a serving, maybe 3-4 servings on a hot dog. Add up all the sugar you just ate on top of the loaded chemicals - yuck, and welcome to a sick body)
Ketchup as a whole isn't expensive... The label you see in the picture is $1.18 for a 24oz bottle and for a Bobby Approved (Primal Kitchen Organic which has 1% sugar and 0 added sugar and none of the terrible chemicals I named earlier) is $4.47 for a 11.03 oz bottle. So why in the heck would I pay 4 times the amount of money for less ketchup? Medical investment on my body - that's my thinking. But not everyone can afford that.
HOMEMADE Ketchup cost me about $3 a bottle (actually this last batch was about $2.25 because I got some of the ingredients on sale and bought in bulk for future savings).
Here is the Flavcity homemade ketchup recipe (and you can change the amounts to fit your taste - like for me I only use 4 Tbsp of the monkfruit (and if you use the coconut sugar instead it's even cheaper to make), I'll be cutting down to 3 Tbsp next time to see if we still like it and if not we'll go back to the 4 Tbsp.
6 oz organic tomato paste
1 cup water
5 Tbsp monkfruit or coconut sugar (I used 4 on my last batch of the monkfruit)
Sunday - REST DAY so no exercise for the day, so that my body can recover. I actually stayed in PJ's because it was also my day off from work.
Breakfast: Protein Shake
Lunch: Peas/Avocado/Cheese (cheese wasn't bobby approved)/EVOO/Spices
Dinner: French Fries with Homemade Ketchup
Mark made popcorn for us to snack on today (he used coconut oil instead of popping oil).
Morning Pills/Night Pills taken
Blue Tea
Coffee
Quiet day, I took the day to watch some education videos about cooking and about food and of course exercising too.
Again I am not your doctor. I am doing this blog for me to track what is working and what isn't working for me. This also gives me a timeline to see how long it's taking me to a better body, mindset and cooking. If you use any of the tips I have here or products, you do it at your own risk.
Honey, I can do it.... Honey, I can do it.. I'm so sick of hearing this. When I was deep in my depression, it's all I heard and would get angry at him for it. Is it right? NO!! However, I still keep hearing it and now, I simply say, no thank you, I got it. But what angers me... When I cook a meal and I try like heck to just cook enough for 1 plate for each of us, and there is left overs, he offers it to me. Today, I screamed at him to NEVER ask me that question EVER again. So I'm back to do things for myself, even when I'm at my worst, for I'm fighting for me!! Bring on the chores...
Today is Jan 7th of my journal.
With the theme of the first paragraph, today was an emotional day for me. Not only have I just completed my first week of this new life of mine.
-Wake up and was served my first and only cup of coffee I got for the day.
-Drink my first glass of water, washed down with my pills.
-I make our protein shakes for our breakfast, he goes to work
-I did my 15 minute workout (it's my last chance workout for the week)
It is when I took my sweaty clothes off, washed my face and proceeded to wash up and do my morning stare of this body I reside in. I become VERY angry at myself. I'm calling that girl in the mirror every name in the book, because she is the cause of abusing the body that was loaned to her by God. I'm feeling the mindset of wanting to get better but like everyone who's in my skin, we expect to see a reward for putting in the work (the food change, the research, the workout) and all I could see what this FAT, face bloated girl. I couldn't find the girl who's fighting, I couldn't find the girl who's worked so hard to reset. And that was a shame.
Stages of grief:
Denial - I'm not that big. Others are bigger. I'm sick (sick people aren't supposed to fight, they are supposed to take their medicine and life goes on - the biggest lie I told myself).
Anger - I'm not supposed to look like this. I was an athlete for crying out loud, I was a Disney dancer for years.I hiked and biked and worked in a job that was nothing but physical. I'm pissed!!
Bargaining - LOL. If I just eat this crap today, I'll skip tomorrow (oh yes another famous lie I would tell myself after I was hurt by someone, and QUARTZITE hurt me the worst).
Depression - Medical Depression; feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness. Angry outbursts, irritability or frustrations over abilities taken away from being sick. Loss of interest in so many areas. CHRONIC FATIGUE I hate you worse than Cancer!!
ACCEPTANCE - wooooohooooo I made to this FINALLY. And now I'm making up for lost time and repairing the damages I've done to myself. I am learning the tools to all that got me here. The bricks have been lifted off of my shoulder and now I'm using those as my weights (ooops got ahead of myself).
So it was a pretty rough day for me, poooooooor me - cried and now over it!! NEXT.
Coffee
Water with pills
Breakfast: I couldn't eat, so I forced water down in case I had to vomit)
Lunch: Overnight Oats, Banana
Dinner: Scrambled Eggs/ 2 rolls with cheese in it (rolls were NOT Bobby Approved)
So glad that this day has ended, but I clearly understand there'll be more days like this in my future. I just need to first give myself a break and self love and then use those tools to work it out.
AGAIN I am NOT a doctor. This blog is about my journey, the good, the bad and the ugly. Do your research, ask those questions and make changes in small bites so that you're not overly overwhelmed.But most important, READ YOUR FOOD LABELS.
I am almost at the end of the first week of this new life... (the real date that I am at is Jan 23, so it's pretty good to be able to reflect the difference - if there is any to be had). It's Jan 6 of my journey. Wow, it's been a hard but easy 6 days. I'm putting in the mindset work, the food work and introducing exercise, along with my facial routine.
It's a GREAT day, I felt inspired all day. I get a smidge of hope that YES, I can do this. I certainly think the key is to surround myself with videos, podcasts and so much research (the research on meals, and food ingredients. lol I kept telling myself, that I have a solid 3 months still to go to really see any major changes, but that smidge of feeling alive was there for me today.
However my poor face is looking REALLY terrible. Blotches and huge pores and just unhealthy. Even more so than when I started my new journey. I'm guessing all of that bad stuff is leaving my face. I'm going through a pause called DETOXIFYING ORGANS, it's when you cut things out of your diet such as sugar, alcohol and processed foods, by doing this it's changing the levels of inflammations to the body.
I'm applying Retinol Gel 0.1 that repairs fine lines, scars and sun spots. For my age, I really don't have a lot of wrinkles. But I do have acne scars and one major dark sun spot about the size of a quarter. I am applying this daily until the peeling starts, and then lay off of it until my skin gets used to it. The picture, you can see the area I'm talking about. (I guess it's ok to give a little spoiler, I ahead of this blog and by doing this blog article today, even I can see a start to change on my face - this is for those that depend on some kind of timeline. But to truly know, I have to be at 3 months to fully say YES, or SO-SO or sadly NO).
I just have to be patient with myself. If I'm not seeing progress by April 1st, then I will take the next major step. But I truly do need to give myself the full 3 months on my own to fight for those changes.
5 am Coffee
BREAKFAST: Protein Shake
Water
LUNCH: 1 Hard Boiled Egg, 1/2 Avocado, Pasta, Peas, Water
Water
Dinner: Cauliflower Crust Pizza with air fried chicken, onion, EVOO (extra Virgin Olive Oil), Water
Did my 15 minute dancing
Face Cream
That was my day... Small baby steps felt like a major success today!!
AGAIN this blog is about my weight/face journey. I am NOT a doctor. So if you use or apply anything from this blog to your own personal journey, you do it by your own free will.
I have NEVER been a pretty girl. The girls before me were always prettier in all of my relationships. That's always been my history. I've always been ok with that. Because I had an advantage over most of the girls before me, I was different. I loved sports, I was sports and I could talk about sports. I've never been comfortable around women because it has always been a PISSING CONTEST. Up until our departure of Quartzsite, I've always allowed it. The most humiliated breaking point was someone in their home actually threw something in my face and in the same breath said she had first dibs at my husband. I was shocked and Mark was GROSSED out. I did what I've always done. Pretended it didn't happen or it wasn't said. All summer long it ATE at me and I had asked God to forgive me, because I wanted to find her and PUNCH the crap out of her, I asked God to help not feel that way. You can’t judge someone and love them at the same time. I was judging and that was wrong. I have to love her! If her morals are to have dibs with another woman's husband then it's her deal and not mine, I can only pray that another wife can handle the situation a lot better than I could. I am to remove myself from the situation and confess my ill feelings to my husband and together as a CHRISTIAN couple we will move on and move on, we did, they went to him all the time to talk behind my back, like as if doing they he would suddenly leave me - I'm not sure what their motivations to that was. Well, I am here to be me. And through this journey my HUSBAND will be by my side. So what the heck does this have to do with my weight journey? I ate my feelings and shut myself from others and hid. On one end, I was afraid of my temper and the other being further hurt. Easily I gained I'm gonna guess, 20 pounds (at least 5 inches).
Going through the change MENOPAUSE, it was affecting my skin so bad. I did nothing for "self care" of my skin. And so I thought I would tackle this at the same time as my weight journey. I always use a filter on my pictures and I avoid taking or having pictures taken of me and always make Mark the star. He's so photogenic. This picture isn't bad and I'm guessing that I used a filter. The 2nd picture is completely me depressed. Medical depression is the worst and add in all of that other fun. (just a reminder I am 2 weeks ahead of these posts and doing these posts for the world to see, it is scary and yet freeing and holds me to a major accountability. I'm not going to be easy on myself.
I went ahead and purchased tretinoin,
CeraVe Hydrating Facial Cleanser,
CeraVe AM Facial Moisturizing Lotion SPF 30
CeraVe Retinol Serum for Post-Acne Marks and Skin Texture
Did 15 minute dance exercise. We had a huge meeting with our boss and came down with an extreme headache but fought through the day until 3:30 pm and had to lay down (I was also physically sore from the day before workout)
After dinner, oh dear lord the terrible GAS (FART) pains came and thank GOSHHHHHHH I pooped my brains out and was able to get some sleep. Pooped 3 times in the middle of the night. And the type that had you running.
I don't feel any different but it's only been day #5. I'm not getting worse so it's just something I have to suck up and work through. It's going to be a long 3 months. My face took a turn for the worse but that's normal. I'm getting rid of junk inside and outside. That's going to take a good 3 months before changes are visible. Feeling ashamed/frustrated and drained.
Again, this is just a reminder that this blog is about me. It's MY journey. I am NOT a doctor and if you use any of the products/recipes/drinks/pills you are doing them by your choice.
What, what? I'm going to CHEAT today? Yes Sir and Yes Ma'am!! So what does that look like. Warning, every Wednesday is going to look different. If I'm going to work hard 6 days a week, I need an off day.
Today was in store research because it's the mini food shopping day. Today was about what we can find Bobby Approved in the Cooking Oil. And it's only Olive or Avocado oil and that's it. Awesome job Walmart, please keep bringing healthier foods in.
Today, I started my 15 minutes a day of dancing. I watched some videos of Body Groove and liked it a lot. I opt not to buy the program because we are on such a tight budget (saving for an RV) and with the rise in cost for our food, I am going to freestyle on my own and save the money. The first 7 days will consist of dancing for 15 minutes with a rest day. And then the next week I'll add working out with weights for 3 minutes, and then the following week after that, I'll add 5 minutes to my dancing and 2 additional minutes to the weights. By the warmer months, we have a HUGE hill nearby that we'll start tackling by foot. Baby steps. This is where I fail. My younger days thing was to go in hard and I'm just not able to do that anymore because I do have limitations. I have to pace myself SLOWLY and build up the endurance so that it's not taking me 5 days of healing from hurting time but short hurting recovery allowing me to workout daily. It felt right to start this on a cheat day, since I added more food to my daily intake.
That's going to be it for today. I'll see you tomorrow. Will I be in pain or what? And as a daily reminder that I am NOT a doctor. So if you do any of the things from this blog, you are doing it by your own choice. This is my journey to better living.
Before I get into the food journal of the day. Let's talk about what pills I take daily. (This journal takes place on January 3rd.
Morning:
Go with the Flow (I'm going through Menopause which is adding to all this weigh drama) but these pills I do swear by. They calm my system right down. So much so that Mark makes sure I always have a back up box just in case. They work for me.
Health By Habit Women's Multi (you can buy these at Walmart and they are Bobby Approved. What I love about these pills is that they are not full % of the ingredients which make it easier for me to take, they don't make me nauseous at all. I was SHOCKED that they were Bobby Approved.
Turmeric & Ginger Nature's Base (these are still under review for the Bobby Approved)
Water Pill Phytoral
Zinc Puritan's Pride (these are under review for Bobby Approved, I am almost out of them, so I'll be seeking ones that are for sure Approved.
Magnesium Nature's Life
Night:
Prescription Pills for the Big C (a buffet of them)
Melatonin (I just started taking these, I do not sleep more then 4-5 hours at time so taking these gives me a harder sleep, hopefully with more value lol) The Vitamin Shoppe (these are also under review, but the bottle is so tiny, I'll be switching these out once I'm finished with the bottle)
Liquid Iron when my doctor says to take it, and that changes on me all the time.
Another hard day. My mind is ready for this, but my patience isn't. I keep telling myself BABY STEPS. That I am not going to see a difference in physical appearance until March. Feeling the emotional frustration and I'm working through that.
FLASHBACK: The picture is of our shopping trip to Natural Grocers that took us 2.5 hours to do. 100% everything here is Bobby Approved. And we do a tiny shopping trip every Wednesday and Saturdays after collecting plasma donation money that Mark does. This has been a huge blessing!!
Again, this blog is for me. It's my personal food journey to a better way of living. I am NOT a doctor, so if you do anything from the example of this blog, you are doing it by your own choice. This is a daily experience of what I am doing for myself.
Oh my gosh, I was poop all flipping night? This is how my January 2nd was. A start to a new start. I took The 1st, 2nd and the 3rd off so that I can rest while my body fights this new war. I have to train it to do what I want it to do of sorts.
So naps are going to be in order today. I'll be posting what my meals are during this journal along with recipes.
After pooping all night I woke up at 7am. And before my coffee chugged down my first water of the day (we buy and refill our own water, if you've ever seen the movie Signs, I'm that little girl, except I don't leave my cups all around).
Energy was so beyond low. I did the cooking and the RV chores: Washing dishes/scoops the kitty box and I pooped A LOT today. I had a major headache and felt VERY bloated. A real miserable.
I read my book and watched a lot of TV. I decided to hold off until the 6th to add exercise to my lifestyle. My mindset was NOT in a good place. (ooooh, I should mention I am a soda addict. And this has caused me nothing but grief - but again it's baby steps. So I will only have soda on my cheat day, more about that in another post). Let's see what the 3rd brings.
TIP: When doing any kind of cleanse, DO NOT EVER TRUST A FART #JustSaying
Please remember this blog is for me. I am NOT a doctor and if you use any of the items I talk about, you're doing it by your choice. This is about my food journey.
So it's New Years Day (although I am two weeks ahead of this blog to give me time to reflect). Here we go "Old Fattie" ------> I'm allowed to call myself that. It's tough love directed to me. I'm excited and I am beyond scared. I just measured my belly and I have quickly with the utmost REALITY learned that I have to lose 10 inches off my tummy. That 10 inches equals about 40 lbs (WTF? What the Food??).
** We do not own a scale and won't - the stress of getting into better shape is hard and I want my mindset to be a calm as possible**
How do I view myself?
Low Energy
No Motivation
I avoid mirrors at all cost
I feel like I have the flu all the time (get off that already, that's CANCER)
I allowed food to be used to punish myself. My emotional support (from my winter stay in Quartzsite what a certain someone did to our family affected me emotionally, I had lost my voice).
I give up easily when I am not getting the support I feel I need - but then I wasn't using my voice out of fear of nagging or whining.
Baby steps, you have got to learn to slow down the process and #BuildUp. And for goodness sake reward yourself for every goal you accomplish. And its ok to invest in yourself and still give back
Cut down on food portions
Workout Schedule
Better Pain Management
Mindset Reset
Build Bridges
Get EXCITED for ME
Here we go WORLD.....
I am 5'5 age 50 and my Belly is 40 inches (I should be in the range of 30-33)
That's it and it is enough to want to get into a fetal position. I did 2 fasting shakes that are going to make me poop my brains out. Sorry again this blog is for me, and I'm not going to hide anything. It's real and it's what I have to do to save myself!! I did drink my required water intake of 75-121 oz
This Blog is about ME. It's about my food journey. It may be right or wrong and this is what I have to figure out. I am NOT a DOCTOR. I am a Bobby Approve - flacity supporter, I don't want to eat chemical poison. If you follow anything from this blog, you are doing it by your choice. Again I am not a doctor!!
I have my teacher, I have my cooking tools, and I have a shopping list. I just gotta get through the night before that first Bobby Approved shopping trip.I know it's going to be expensive and we have to think about the current food we have in our home that's not Bobby Approved. What do we do.....?? I don't sleep!!
I finally plan on this:
We have an RV pantry for our guests at the RV park we currently work at Willard Peak Campground in Willard Utah. And as I swap the bad for the good, I'll donate the bad (and to this day, it's working out well). But still it's scary for Mark. After all we worked hard for the food. I made a deal with him. I will do the swapping slowly giving us 6 months to make our home completely Bobby Approved.
So we go shopping at Natural Grocers with a Budget of $300. Load up first on the protein powders (I made the huge mistake of not buying directly through flavcity but baby steps right? Get the basic shelf life items to hold us over when we are not able to eat FRESH. And very little meat, that had been our biggest change. If you watch the movie Food Inc this will open your eyes even wider if your trying to get healthier and at worse case, know what the hell is in your food. That is our given right!!
I even went for anything on sale so long as it was approved, (which made our shopping trip super super long - 2.3 hours). You'd think it would be easy, but even a health food store has many hidden dangers. We are learning. So when the app gives it a thumbs down, you scroll down and it will highlight the words that are NOT approved which teaches you to recognize and soon you'll be able to recognize without having to use the app - here are some samples of BAD words for your food
Natural Flavor (Artificial and Synthetic chemicals that are added during the manufacturing process - which of course IS NOT GOOD FOR our bodies, its a way for manufacturers to get away with adding with out honest labeling)
sucralose, saccharin and aspartame, high fructose (I am shocked on the amount of food that contains this), agave and brown rice syrup - these all cause inflammation
This is just a smidge of examples of things we have to avoid having in our food. It can get very overwhelming and this is why we chose to do this very slowly. It's not January 1st so even though you're reading this on the 16th I'm catching you up to our journey. Our food shopping took place on 12/30/22. So we are gathering and studying and getting ready to make the change.
We use a receipt app to earn points for gift cards (oh gosh we love this app) and if you wish to join to earn your own points. If you sign up under me, I'll get 4000 points and you'll get 2000 starting points. Just click on the word FETCH this helps offset the food increase cost for us.
So I'm going to switch gears and talk about food journals. I purchase one for each of us. So that we can track and see the accountability we are taking. We can figure out what's working vs what's not working. Putting our thoughts, fears, frustration - I already do a journal for our finances and wow it works. There is just something powerful seeing your own words right there and you can't hide from them. I'm recording inches (not weight numbers because we don't need to worry about that). Our physical activity, what we eat and what we drink, our vitamins and most importantly our feelings.
I put together an extremely SLOW workout program for myself. I found when I go in hard, I give us easy because of the huge amounts of pain and recovery time. This will be a major change and that first hurdle will be so difficult because I do have limitations and have to find a way around it with boundaries. I'll talk about what I plan on doing for my routine in the next blog entry.
AGAIN... This Blog is about ME (and my other half). It's about the food journey I'm taking. I am not a doctor and these things I am doing are based on my decisions. I've lost control over my health and this is a way to get it back. If you use anything in these posts, do it with care and under your own control. People can be mean, and you need to do what is right for you. If you're here to shame me, it's ok, I do that enough to myself every time I look in the mirror. And that is why, I am celebrating my 50th year, fighting for me
After watching practically every video and YouTube about this tiny person making meals that most adults can't do for themselves. I needed to figure out how to implement this in my daily life (remember I do have a husband who loves short cuts and food). I did my research and wrote down all of my past food history and what worked and what didn't.
Mindset, I was always a child that pushed that envelope. I grew up in a house of males, so naturally I became strong but that sneaky Irish Grandmum passed on that stubborn gene called tenacity. Work ethics, I worked so many jobs at one time that I honestly didn't have time to eat or my work was what most people consider physical labor. But like a true female, I operate on emotions.
(Memory)
My 5th grade award ceremony. I had just done my first year of track and field. And I sucked. Well I thought I did, that was my mindset. I once got 3rd place and was excited. My coach was so proud of me that day, because I was sick as a dog and I still ran. He had said "We are going to have you sit this one out, you can't do it". Ohhhhh that tenacity kicked in, and I demanded to run. He threw his hands up in the air and said ok, "Let's do it and do it quickly" He had never told me, I "COULDN'T" do it once since day 1. Well, the rest of the season I mostly got 4th or 5th place but never last place.
So the day of the award ceremony, I was getting ready (because it was a dinner too), I heard my baby brother scream. I ran outside to where he was and he screamed "Sissy don't come over here", my dad was quickly to my side. My dad went into action because he didn't see what my baby brother was talking about, but saw a car on the side of the road with a smashed up window. My brother had witnessed my cat getting killed. My cat was sleeping in the flower plot on our property and this man decided to do a hit and run and killed my cat. My brother proceeded to throw a rather large rock at his car and well, the end result is that this man got into a lot of trouble and my brother received his first bill ever that he was proud to work the entire summer to pay off. My poor Samantha had been killed. And I had lost it. I sobbed for hours. I no longer cared about the award dinner now. I just wanted to go to bed and cry forever. My Dad made me go, he said "Holbrook's, never quit", (he was famous for saying that).
And the MOST IMPROVEMENT in an athlete trophy goes to EVIELYNNE HOLBROOK. It was a complete blurrrrrr, I didn't get the joy or understanding of that trophy until the following season. So the next season comes, and my now SNEAKY coach figured out how to get my legs to move my butt faster. He taught me to use my anger and release it in my runs. That first race I got 3rd and then for the rest of the season I was either in 2nd or 1st place and the year after, I was untouchable. My mindset was used against me and I did it!!
What Didn't Work:
Cancer. I allowed this disease to control me and how people spoke to me. And when I hit that rabbit hole the first time it lasted 3 months and the 2nd time a year. So in the rabbit hole I gained so much weight and was scared. Waiting for the words "You have this _____ much time left". Sure I took my meds like a good girl, I listened to what everyone was saying, you need to stop but when I stopped I wasn't supposed to. My world was this, this, this, that, that, that and just all over the place. Then I went on a great program Gerson Therapy and it was working, until we hit the road as RVers, we made the huge mistake and went to Quartzsite and I allowed people to dictate their opinions and I became someone that I'm not. That winter it got worse in my head and thank goodness it was part of my rabbit hole medical depression. You know, a guy with lung cancer gets a reprieve and instead of doing better for himself, he goes right back to smoking. That was so me. When the worst of THOSE people left, and we headed out ourselves, each mile somehow how gave me courage to say "Hey stupid, you made some mistakes, so how do we fix this" TIME. I needed time. So that summer, I practiced walking away from things that weren't good for me and you know what? Coalville, Utah did just what I needed to learn. (I am most grateful to Quartzsite/Coalville drama that I caused and for what those TERRIBLE individuals did because you see, it's going to play a big part in my food fighting recovery)
So now I am in a new spot, around super good people, I have all the time in the world to learn quickly what I need to do right, by my body. I researched and watched tons of videos until the day I came across flavcity's daughter's video. Somehow this feels different. I didn't need Mark's support, I just wanted his support.
So I finally started watching videos in front of Mark, and he liked what he was hearing and seeing, and said it was a lot like gerson therapy of sorts. That he would like to do it with me. WHAT?????
But to answer the question very quickly about why flavcity. It was because he makes food fun, scary, expensive, smarter, and easier. He talks about WHY things are bad for you, he gives you an explanation to the definition of words and what the cause and effect they are to us. We were his students and still are. We went to a F- to what I'd say a C- right now. He goes to those stores and shops and helps us to see what we can and can't buy if we want to be free of the GOVERNMENT cover up on what's in our foods. Our food bill went from $200 a month to $400 a month, we made that decision as a team. Mark decided to donate plasma and everything he makes from there pays for our groceries as we are working toward getting a newer RV (like a wicked NICER/BIGGER one - has to have a bigger kitchen and island - thanks Bobby lol)...
So that's going to be it for now on this post. Again if you are just tuning in, I am writing this for ME. I am not a doctor, nor am I pushing anything on anyone. I just know, sometimes people are seeking for others like them and don't know where to start. And this is how I am getting better by using food/exercise or whatnot.
If you want to see what kinds of foods flavcity has us making: https://www.flavcity.com/ and this is how we shop for our foods at ANY grocery stores:
NOTE TO SELF: (you are doing so good, Mark is doing great and together we are eating so much better) people are going to be on top of their soap box and that's ok. Don't take it personally. EVERYONE has the right to choose for themselves. This is my story and it's ok to be an example but never ok to force your opinions on others without them having the freedom to choose what works for them. We are NOT doctors and speak only from what is happening to us and how we got here only!!
Here is where I left off, from my last post.......
My GOALS:
Weight ------- Who cares that needs to be NOT part of my life. Cutting that drama shit out of my life, I've got enough to deal with than having to jump on a scale all the time, when I should be JUMPING instead.
Belly in inches: 30-33" (the vain girl in me says 30 but the healthy part says 33).
They say one inch is 4 lbs so to guess that would mean 40-54 lbs I have to delete from my body.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've got to cut out, because this is so depressing. I gotta sit back and think about all of this and get back to you about how that makes me feel. Wait, let me rephrase that. I'm doing this for me and I gotta work out some thoughts in my own head before confessing my next sin.
Here are some starting points so that I can see how I progressed each month. The problem with changes is that we hide from it and when we reach that goal we have nothing to compare it to because we were too ashamed to blurt it out there.
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So we know what my goals are, but what next? I completely tortured myself by researching the wrong things. Like.... How to lose weight FAST? Pills? Gyms? every kind of weight loss device. Oh hell, my amazon cart was filled with gadgets to start an entire new gym, all I would need was a building and I'd be set.
What I needed was a strong dose of truth. I needed to figure out and acknowledge what got me into this unrecognizable body, I currently sit in. I had to go back and find what in my life has given me the most control, the most gratifying feeling and has never let me down..... A Gosh dam PENCIL!!
What? A pencil???? For real YES! Holding a pencil has always been a comfort thing for me, I've always put down a list together, a note to someone, a journal, my dreams, my finances. When I'm angry, I'd write a note and tear it up so no one knew how I was feeling. And the most important thing. My grocery list..... That dam pencil needed a good sharpening and needed to write down new words, new thoughts and above all new mindset to live and learn by. So it begins.
BUT again, where to begin. So I took an entire week and ate a ton of crap foods and wrote a secret note about how it made me feel, and compared it to the ingredients that were in it. And then I ate a whole week of good food and again took notes about how it made me feel and again compared it to the ingredients. I tapped my head with my pencil as week number 3 approached. And wrote down
I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FOOD....
I ate what was expected of me when I was sick
I ate what was making me fake happy (by fake, I was sick and got to stay in bed all day)
I ate what was on sale or fast to make
I ate what he liked
Ding Ding..... I had to learn about food, and I mean truly about food. I had to know what it was made of, who made it, what are the cause and effects from eating that food and why the hell was I allowing it into my body.
Of course, I went to the internet (and it's just after October and creeping up quickly to my 50th Birthday and I'm putting together a game plan to be enforced starting Jan 1st, I had a lot of time to watch videos, look words up, see how these foods were made, window shop prices and acknowledge that I am going to have to work for my food). LOL up until New Year's Night I ate CRAP! And then rolls around Jan 1st.
BACKGROUND SNIPPET:
I was only 2.2 lb when I was born (my brother 2.4 yes I am a twin) so needless to say, I know what it's like to be tiny. And pretty much was tiny until I turned 30. I had been 110-115, a super athlete my entire school years, adventurous throughout my young adult life and then I hit 30. I became very depressed, not to the point that I got FAT but enough to start the inner motion of unhealthy living. This continue until my 40's and I FUCKING (sorry, that's the anger part of me) got CANCER and I currently still do. So I did what the docs told me, ate what they told me and prayed and prayed. But what I didn't do, is invest in the WHY's. I was just about the end results. I failed to do that for myself and that now brings us to the current mindset of my failings.
I watched every famous friggin cook out there. Rachael Ray, The Pioneer Woman, even Gordon Ramsay and a ton of international cooks too like Peter Evans and Curtis Stone. All these people taught me the joy but I'm still missing that major thing that is going to change my life the why and what is food made of.
A FLIPPING 2 year old in a video will be the changing force in my life - Rose. Gosh what a sap. I'm teary eye remembering the very moment I watch this child make her breakfast. I became so ashamed of myself.
So I took about a month of watching this adorable little girl make her meals, talk about food and most of all respect and love food. And this is when FLAVCITY starts to get introduced to my mindset and eventually overtakes my life.
I'm going to end the post here, because I'm pretty emotional now. Remembering all those feelings I felt that I bottled up and placed in my mindset and in my heart. I'm about to get a food lesson about food by no other Bobby Parrish. Secretly I watch this in the middle of the night at first. On car rides, at work when I finally let loose and ask Mark what he thinks. CRASHHHHHHHHH!! oh, she's cute. (and I'm screaming inside to be heard but that isn't the problem - I've allowed my intimidation and past failings shut me off from taking the front stage to say, I'm doing this).
Thank you for following MY FOOD JOURNEY to a better life. I had passed out just before my 50th birthday from unhealthy living and taking the steps I need to do for me has been a scary journey. This blog is about me. It's not to critzite or belittle anyone but me. It's about me being FAT. And yes, I'm going to body shame myself for a safer spot in my life. I chug that bad food down without the true education of what I was chugging down. You are reading how I am getting MYSELF back up. This blog is about my feelings and how I went from plan A to Z and all that it took or is taking. AND that Pencil will come up in the next post!!
What the #%@!....? Mark had just gone to work, and I'm not feeling good AGAIN. I get up to go find some comfort food to stuff my 190 lbs self. And down I go. I passed out on the floor of our 29ft travel trailer that we live in full time. I awake and am a bit confused as to what just happened. Do I call 911 first or do I call Mark first. I did neither.
And that's the start of my humiliation of what my life has has measured up to be, A BIG FAT FAILURE!!
So I'm confessing to this BLOG and to whoever gives a shit to follow along. At this point I don't give a rats ass. I see it as my last ditch effort to heal/change/celebrate/forgive and all that emotional crap that goes into what I've had to deal with. And what I learned so far is that. THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL but there is MAGIC, you just have to create it for YOURSELF.
I'm not going to go too far into who I am, because honestly WHO CARES. I will give snippets though so that you can visualize/insult me from your view/cheer for me/or entertain yourself with someone else's life hardship and poor choices. I just want to get it out there so that I can reflect any time I want by returning to my very own words that reflected those feeling at "that moment" and for goshhhhhhhhhh friggin sakes, learning from me for a change. Everyone's SOAP BOX is sickening. Everyone has to say something about someone and vice versa. I'll be talking to myself for a change. As my favorite broadway show has taught me. TALK LESS and SMILE MORE. Because what people are saying is the same thing they've always been saying - they just changed it to stand out more. And I just don't want to stand out to anyone anymore. But people just don't SMILE anymore and for me personally I know why I stopped and that just aint ME!!
I can't remember the exact date of my passing out (clearly blocked that crap out). But it wasn't long before my 50th Birthday. And I still haven't told Mark or anyone except to whoever is reading this post. But I was so mad at myself and punished myself as I like to do. Because if I do it and do it quickly nothing or anyone can say or do, will make it worse. And there you have it. My MAIN issue to all of my life's failings. In Bold, so that I can find it easily if and when I happen to fall back into that space. And so I'm faced with being scared knowing I've tried everything the way other people said I have to do, in the last 15 years to get healthy and I would always give up. And I had to start thinking about WHY's to everything, and make up the WHERE to go next.
Do I blame Mark because there are bags of snacks everywhere? Do I blame Cancer for making me weak? Do I blame DNA? The new hormone changes going on with me? I mean there has got to be blame right? Well yes there is, and it's ME. I can deal with all these issues, I just need to learn the tools of having these issues in my life (because let's be honest, those are always going to be a part of who I am) to control it and not let it control me or my mindset. WAIT? WHAT? Can it truly be that easy?
Yes and No is my answer. First I need to dive in deep with each issue, figure out a game plan and FOLLOW through. So the battle zones are being set up.
I'm not going to be talking about weight in NUMBERS - just in inches. I'll say the number once, and just in this post and then never again will you hear me say how much I weigh, because it's not about the numbers, it is about the inches.
Arms ----- actually other than bat wings they are the smallest feature on me
I'm considered OBESE and I would agree with that because of how the weight makes me feel. AGAIN this post/blog is about me. So if you feel like I'm making fun of talking ill about others, then PISS off, this about my journey.
My GOALS:
Weight ------- Who cares that needs to be NOT part of my life. Cutting that drama shit out of my life, I've got enough to deal with than having to jump on a scale all the time, when I should be JUMPING instead.
Belly in inches: 30-33" (the vain girl in me says 30 but the healthy part says 33).
They say one inch is 4 lbs so to guess that would mean 40-54 lbs I have to delete from my body.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I've got to cut out, because this is so depressing. I gotta sit back and think about all of this and get back to you about how that makes me feel. Wait, let me rephrase that. I'm doing this for me and I gotta work out some thoughts in my own head before confessing my next sin.
Here are some starting points so that I can see how I progressed each month. The problem with changes is that we hide from it and when we reach that goal we have nothing to compare it to because we were too ashamed to blurt it out there.
July 2022 - Thinking the Train would hide me
August: I did work a lot, but I also ate a lot too, That waistline is DANGEROUS to my health more than it is to be vain about this situation.
September: My face blew up, and in just a short couple of weeks I'll have passed out in my rv home, that started this process of my GUILT and ANGER from a FAT FALL - caused by me and me alone.
Thank you for being introduced to my sins that I have caused for myself. As you follow along, you'll see where it takes me to and how I'm doing. January 1st was a major target day for me and I'm already 13 days into this new journey but you're seeing it from January 1st eyes. This was not easy for me to do, but is it for anyone? NO, we don't enjoy slamming ourselves down. And this boo hoo session allowed me to air some of this out, not for your sake but for my own. I'm going to be my own cheerleader for a change.
Good job, 50 year old me, for not giving up on yourself. Accept this and make the changes you need to do for yourself. No one's opinion matters because it is I who's putting in the work, the learning, the action, the money, the time, the tears and the sweat to do what I've got to do to LIVE!!
